Two Spirits, One Heart
For as long as I can remember, my life has been grounded in the concept of living the life you dream. I pursued my dream when I adopted my two children from Japan. I retired to live my dream when I sold my insurance business and became a stay-at-home mother. And when I talk to my children about their future, I always tell them to follow their dreams.
I believe if you listen to the dreams that speak to your spirit, you are really listening to your heart guiding you towards greater happiness and personal fulfillment. This is how I strive to live my life and this is how I have raised my children.
My oldest child was born female, but today he lives as a man. According to Native American belief, he has two spirits. His dream was to live in alignment with how he thinks and feels, as a man. For years this was his struggle.
Together, my son and I represent two separate spirits, a mother and her child. Aiden has faced his journey alone as he reconciled who he was meant to be. And we have faced a journey together as he has traveled down the road of transition and becoming the person that lives inside of him. It has been a difficult journey for us, as well as our family. We have confronted more fear and doubt than either of us thought possible. However, as someone once told me, fear backs down when standing in face of love. No truer words were ever spoken for our journey.
Which leads to my forthcoming memoir, Two Spirits, One Heart. The book chronicles my journey of love, acceptance and support amid Aiden's struggles to reconcile his deeper feeling and spirit, his path to become a man, and my decision to actively campaign for the greater rights of transgender, bisexual, gay and lesbian citizens. The book opens with Aiden's decision to switch genders and become a man, backtracks into an earlier life that shows his struggles of living as a girl and young woman, then moves forward to discuss his integration into society. That's one narrative thread. The deeper element concerns my feelings as a mother, and how Aiden's struggles and my fear about his future tested such intrinsic matriarchal values as compassion, acceptance, and love. In order to do this, I needed to see life from his perspective, and be fearless in supporting the man that lives inside of him.
The decision did not take months or days. It only took a moment. But that moment changed my life forever. Part of my acceptance lay in a further decision to support not only Aiden, but also the entire transgender, bisexual, gay and lesbian community. This opened up an incredible personal journey of ever-deeper love, redemption, acceptance and justice, which forms the other narrative current of Two Spirits, One Heart.
As we ate, I tried to make pleasant conversation, but she grew more ill tempered by the moment. Exasperated, I looked at her and said, "We have had the most wonderful day together. Your band performed so well and you took first place. And you have become grouchier by the minute. What is your problem?"
I braced myself for a harsh response, perhaps about something I did, said, didn't do or didn't say. While I'm known for sensing others accurately through verbal and non-verbal cues, my "A" game had deserted me in this important moment: reading my daughter. I waited for her to tell me what new boundaries I'd apparently crossed.
Instead, she said something I didn't expect: "Momma, you promise you're not going to get mad...." Hearing that "promise phrase," I responded in my usual way: "I promise, Ash." My energy settled into a gentle and loving place, so I could keep my promise. As I watched her formulate the words in her mind, her body sank ever so slightly into a position of uncertainty, hesitation. I instantly picked up a deep fear. "I felt like I had dinosaurs running between my stomach and my heart," she later said. "I can only describe the feeling as big, loud and thumpy. In that moment the restaurant around us disappeared, and all I could hear was my heart pounding like a drum."
Ashley stared at the table between us, gathering her courage. I waited, my own uneasiness building with each second of silence. Finally, the words tumbled out of her mouth like boulders down a mountainside: "I'm uncomfortable in my body now and I want to transition to a guy."
- From Two Spirits, One Heart, by Marsha Aizumi
TABLE OF CONTENTS: Two Spirits, One Heart
Forward
Introduction
Chapter 1: Marching to a Different Drum
Chapter 2: The Early Signs
Chapter 3: Middle and High School Days
Chapter 4: The Darkness Before the Light
Chapter 5: Reaching Out for Support
Chapter 6: Beginning Transition
Chapter 7: Surgery
Chapter 8: Transformation
Chapter 9: Inspired by Activism
Chapter 10: Marching Again
Chapter 11: Honored as a Youth Leader
Chapter 12: The Wolf I Choose to Feed